Written by Allison Slitt, a UConn student, with support from the DAC team
Prelude: This short composition was a piece submitted to Brenda Brueggemann’s Disability in American Literature and Culture course. In this course, we were asked to read the About Us Collection in the New York Times. This is a collection of beautiful personal essays and reflections written to begin conversations around disability. Dealing with my trauma and opening up about my experiences has never been easy for me. I do not feel like I belong in the disabled community, but I still have haunting memories of my own. After reading some of these lines from the Joy section in the About Us Collection, I felt a connection to their experiences that inspired me to share my own in the format of a letter.
I chose to write a letter to myself because of the times when I need a reminder of how strong and capable I am. I need a reminder that I can push through any dark thoughts and scarring memories. This letter is a gift to myself that I wish could reach the thousands of people who need
a reminder of their own strength.
“I had discovered that I was no longer trusted by my doctors about my own body or experiences.”
“I felt exiled from the world of the well”
“honestly facing your own powerlessness and frailty”
“Slowly, I found a deeper value in relationship beyond reciprocity: an unconditional love and care based in justice, and a belief that all humans deserve relationship, regardlessof whether we can offer anything measurable back.”
Dear Future Self,
I want you to read this when you are in need of a reminder of why you are here today. You are here today because you fought and survived. When you lost you felt so close to giving up, your friends and family stood over your shoulders. In times where you have been tested, you survived.
Yes, you are emotional. Yes, you have been careless. Yes, your pain causes a stonewall of seriousness, series of sinister stories, and a masked personality. Yes, you have a generalized anxiety disorder that pulls depression into the mix. Yes, you have a severe anaphylactic tree nut allergy. Yes, you have almost died 4 times. You cannot change the fact that you will relive these memories hundreds of times and that you are scarred in several ways. However, it is this same pain that made you who you are today. By accepting this pain caused by your scars, you can see the beauty in your scars. Constantly wondering why your body and you are different is why you want to go into medicine. The times that you have been called stupid and humbled is what enables you to see the hidden emotion in others. Please love your beautiful scars, because they make you your unique self. You will feel exile, but deserve unconditional love and care.
There are times of trauma…At the age of 11, your brother taunted you by chasing you with peanuts because he thought it was fun to see the fear in your eyes. Funny how a simple brother-sister teasing you still remember years later. And how at the age of 13, your close friend called you a liar as you stood there frightened surrounded by the killer toxin. At the age of 16,
your doctor told you what you described was impossible and did not occur. Yet, you can still recall and feel every minute of the memory. At the age of 19, you cried for so long but your parents told you your feelings were not valid. At the age of 20 years, you could not breathe for the 4th time and sat contemplating once again whether or not to fight.
But through this trauma, you can always find light. Each time your mom sees fear or tears in your eye, she comes running to your side. At a moment’s notice, she has dropped everything for you. That is not pity, that is unconditional love. Your best friend at 13 years old stood in front of you as your guardian angel. Your best friends have reminded you of your worth to them and the world. Your boyfriend never hesitated to stand by your side. Your sister hugged you tightly and worried, because she cared. Your eyes might have been dazed, but you were and are never alone.
Yes, not everyone will believe you and not everyone supports you. That is okay. What determination and individuality would you have, if you didn’t have adversity?
Please I ask you to remember life is a journey of ups and down, which you must embrace. You are you because of your experiences, failures, and successes.
You, because of before
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